Guilt

Of all the emotions one can experience, guilt is by far the worst. That sinking feeling in your stomach. The thoughts that won't let you rest. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Next to love, I think a mother experiences guilt more than any other person in the world.

All I want to do is hold Charlie.

We have been out of town for more than two weeks and the house was SO dirty. Filthy, even. We got back on Thursday night, unpacked and went right to bed. Friday morning Dan had to work and I was committed to cleaning the house....until I looked at little Charlie's face when I put him down. Is it just me or do his eyes seem brighter when he's in my arms? Every single time I put him down to start cleaning, I felt a pang of guilt --- I'm going back to work soon. I won't have time to hold him as much. Relish in it now. Hold him. Hold him--- So that's what I did. I held him ALL day. When he got tired, I slept with him on my chest. When he woke up, we played on the floor together. Yes, yes, this is what I should be doing.

Then Dan came home after working all day - to a filthy house. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. I should have been cleaning. I go back to work and need to have the house in order. I'm a bad wife. I just sat around all day playing.

On Saturday morning, I was committed to cleaning. I put Charlie in his swing after he ate and he fell asleep for two hours. Kitchen done. When he woke up I fed him, played with him for a little bit and he started getting sleepy. Every time I tried to put him down, I felt it again. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

SO - I found a solution for this one: The Moby Wrap! I recommend this to every single mother out there with an infant (thanks Faith!) I strapped little Charlie to my chest where he was VERY content and finished cleaning the house. What a fabulous idea.

Tomorrow I go back to work. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

Luckily, he will be with my Marmee so I know he's in good hands. I know he will be held and loved and talked to and played with as much as I do at home. I'm only going back part time. Three days a week is perfect. I can't complain. Really, I can't - but man am I going to miss that little guy.