EMOtional

So, I've always been pretty emotional (thanks dad - and by the way, we always knew that the "fly in your eye" was actually raw emotion) but these hormones have really done a number on me. In the past week, I've cried more times than I can count. Some moments were understandable and others pathetic . Here's a quick glance at what caused the constant waterworks:

1. Hope for Haiti - ummmm, every single song.

2. Dan writing a letter to the baby and realizing for the first time that he was going to sign it "Love, Dad".

3. The guy from American Idol whose parents were gangsters. He is working ever so hard so that his son has a better life than he did and his voice was so gentle and sweet.

4. Writing a poem to my baby.

5. This little girl on Dr. Phil who was caught on tape repeating all the negative things her parents say to her on a daily basis (poor thing!).

6. The Folgers commercial where the father asks his grown-up daughter why she got home so late and she shows him her engagement ring and confesses he knew it was coming. Man - that one is TEAR-jerker.

21 weeks 6 days

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For My Son

I knew you
even when you were
imperceptible.
a smear of color on a blank slate
almost white.
you are here.
a secret joy
my heart bursting with elation.
i profess in silence. cry. hope.
you are already here
for me.
i’m already absorbed
devoted
attached
in love.

a seed
a fish
a fruit
a son.

you were here with me
long ago.
the roots of an oak
abysmal and impenetrable-
love like this.

Hallelujah

I love this song. It's eerie and sad and beautiful all at the same time. From the moment I first heard it, years ago, I tried to make sense of it but I still don't have an analysis that I'm happy with. It makes me feel powerful and helpless at the same time. Sad and hopeful.

Way to go Justin - for bringing Hallelujah back.

Somersaults

Now that the nausea has passed (more or less), I am really starting to understand what women mean when they say they "love being pregnant." I have been feeling my little baby boy moving around more and more and I have to say, being a woman is quite wonderful.

At first, they were soft little movements - and I wasn't really sure if I was imagining them or not - but the kicks are getting stronger and more frequent. I like to sit in bed at night, in total silence, close my eyes, and imagine him doing somersaults. I remember laying in the bathtub as a child, my ears under the water, eyes closed, with just my nose poking out, and feeling weightless and relaxed. I like to think that's what it's like for him. Muffled voices, warm water, and an overwhelming sense of calm. I imagine him dancing around, dreaming, listening. I imagine what he'll look like, what songs we will sing to him, what we will teach him. It's an impossible feeling - loving someone so much before ever even holding him. But I feel him. He is a part of me and for the next few months we will be one. What a gift to be a mother.

Repeat

Poem a Day

I've always loved this poem. It's different now. I still love it. Perspective.

For My Mother
Louis Gluck

It was better when we were
together in one body.
Thirty years. Screened
through the green glass
of your eye, moonlight
filtered into my bones
as we lay
in the big bed, in the dark,
waiting for my father.
Thirty years. He closed
your eyelids with
two kisses. And then spring
came and withdrew from me
the absolute knowledge of the unborn,
leaving the brick stoop
where you stand, shading
your eyes, but it is
night, the moon
is stationed in the beech tree,
round and white among
the small tin markers of the stars:
Thirty years. A marsh
grows up arond the house.
Schools of spores circulate
behind the shades, drift through
gauze flutterings of vegetation.

Danny's Song

People smile and tell me I'm the lucky one, and we've just begun
Think I'm going to have a son
He will be like you and me, as free as a dove, conceived in love
Sun is going to shine above.

20 weeks 3 days

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Letters for Tomorrow

I've already changed the name of this blog, like a billion times (see kids, that's a hyperbole - why can't they get that one?!) but I'm starting to see a new trend : Babies! I'm really trying hard not to be obnoxious and talk about being pregnant ALL the time - but honestly, when you feel that baby move all day long - what else is worth writing about? It's hard to find anything that compares. I even skipped writing about my book club this month and that book was gooooood! (Readers out there: You should go purchase the novel "Guernica", get through the first few boring chapters, and then thank me for recommending an amazing read. Then, you should do what we did, and have everyone make an authentic Spanish dish and eat until you're sick). But - back to my newest "soon-to-be-mother" craze....

The book 'Letters for Tomorrow' was recommended to me by a good friend and I have to say - even if you aren't a writer, you have to purchase it and give it a shot. It's this adorable hardcover book with sentence starters and writing topics to address letters to your baby. For example, "I feel you moving around more and more and...." and then you just write. And write and write. I sure hope this kid likes to read.

Happy Birthday Carmen

Thinking of you today and always.


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3/5ths

If you're not a high school teacher, you might not be familiar with the term "three fifths." In my world, it means heaven.

As a full-time teacher, you are responsible for teaching five classes - or five/fifths. Next year folks, I will officially be on three/fifths! Bottom line: I will teach three classes, instead of five, AND teach three days out of five. Do you understand the metaphor of heaven now? It means part-time!

The appointment with my principal happened yesterday afternoon. I was nervous he was going to be mad or disappointed - I still don't know which one is worse (thanks mom and dad) or make me feel guilty. I was scared he was going to seem annoyed or hesitant or flatly tell me no. Instead, he told me that although he will miss having me on full-time, he thinks that it is the most amazing gift I can give my family and that he respects me so much for putting my job after my new baby. This all came from my boss! He continued to tell me how when his wife decided to be a stay at home mom, they struggled to pay bills (sometimes couldn't) but that he has never once regretted the decision because they have raised well-adjusted, happy children. What a man! I walked out of there even more sure of my decision and SO very thankful that I have him as a principal.

So there it is. Next year, I will be working three days a week.

Two days I will be home with the baby + Two days my mom will be with the baby (so at least he/she will be in the best hands EVER for part of the week - and thank you thank you thank you, mom. What a gift you are giving our family!) +One day a week Dan will be home taking care of the little one = NO DAY CARE and FAMILY ALL WEEK LONG.

You know those moments where you feel so happy you want to jump up and down and scream scream scream?!

I DO!

18 Weeks 4 Days

Are you there waist? It's me, Ali.

Everyone loves the baby bump. The tiny, smooth hill proclaiming, "I am going to be a mother!" There is this poem I love - I can't remember the name of it - that compares a mother's stomach to a full moon - serene, ominous, lovely. Full of hope. Full of what may be.

My stomach looks like pizza dough - Full of food (today's consumption includes banana bread, four tangerines, a banana, a sub sandwich, frozen yogurt with heath bar, a yogurt, and string cheese - and my mind is focused on what I'm going to eat for dinner because I'm STARVING....oooo, and dessert!) The "bump" doesn't have that symmetrical round beauty that makes total strangers want to touch it - instead, it resembles one of those red rubber balls that is mostly deflated, and somewhat lumpy, forgotten under a tree in the backyard.

I am fat and happy.

Porcelain God

I threw up today.

If I tried to keep track of how many times I've thrown up over the past 4 months, well, I may be in the running for some kind of record. It doesn't stop. Just when I think I've had a good day, it's finally over, I'm past the "hump", I wake up to a morning glued to the toilet (if I'm lucky enough to make it that far - today, not so lucky). So I've done some research on the subject. Why all the sickness?

Some books say it's hereditary. If your mom got sick, chances are you will too. Others say it's an influx of hormones and a "good sign" that the baby is healthy and strong. Some say it means it's a girl - others that it must be a boy. None of the reading makes me feel better. Actually, reading makes me sort of queasy these days - until I came across an article on msnbc.com titled, "Causes of Morning Sickness Revealed" (Side note: the term "morning sickess" should be changed to "all-freaking-day-long sickness").

This article didn't provide the magical answer I had been looking for - in fact, it was quite simple. It explains that since women have aversions to foods and smells, it is the body's way of protecting the embryo from harmful substances. From danger. That's it. And boy, this somehow made me feel so much better. It made me feel like a mother.

I'm not going to lie: Throwing up sucks. But, it is pain with a purpose. I'm already proving to this baby that I'm going to protect it, even if it means making myself sick. And I will.

Week 18 and I'm still throwing up. And falling in love with you more each day.