Big Love

Yesterday was my first real day of vacation. I have pretty much been counting down to this break since August when we started school. Not because I don't love my job, because I absolutely do, but more because it's nice to catch up, get all those things done that just aren't possible while working, and then hopefully relax. The plan was to do it in that order. That hasn't happened.

I woke up early yesterday - out of habit - and flipped through HBO On Demand because a friend just told me I HAVE TO watch this show called "True Blood." It's about vampires (oooooooow) and sounded pretty good. I have a nerdy love for SciFi (thanks Dad - all those years of Star Trek rubbed off). Well, I didn't get as far as watching the vampire drama because instead I started watching BIG LOVE. I had seen the pilot a few years ago and liked it but then didn't have HBO so gave up on it. Let me just say - yesterday I watched the entire first season instead of doing ANYTHING productive. In fact, I didn't even shower until 5:00pm - right before Dan came home, and then shoved some pork chops in the oven and laundry in the machine to pretend that I didn't just sit around all day. Whoops. So I have a new addiction: BIG LOVE. The only problem is - I finished the entire first season and that is all that is On Demand so I guess that means I have to be productive and start grading research papers.

I'm going to shower right now and drive to Starbucks and get on that grading. I'm going to focus and plow through it so this weight can be lifter off my shoulders. I may stop by Blockbuster first, however. I think I saw Season 2 there and I need to finish it. Season 3 starts in January...

Empathy Continued

I meant to wait to post my students responses to the Elie Wiesel interview until I received both classes responses but I was so moved last night that I wanted to share them immediately. Here are a few more from my other 10th grade class. Just as amazing.

"But the only thing I don't get is why the world stayed silent." - Aaron

"I cant image how someone could kill people just because of their race. It just makes me want to cry for everything that happened. It hurts me to know that there is still raceism on this earth." - Zuly

"For a human to build a place like that and to use it to kill that many people, they turn into a monster. They are not human anymore. And the people that just sit and watch and know its wrong - they are even worse than monsters." Michael

"My heart felt weak." - Alba

"I don't know why humans would kill their own species, it's not right." - Noe

"How come people didnt do nothen in the beginning. Why did people take so long time to react. That's sad." - Reynaldo

"They could have really been someone in life. They could of been important." - Karina

"People were torture like if they werent human. they were torture like if they were animals" - Juan

"That is messed up. No one has the right to end someones life for no reason. No one has the right to end a race." - Lloyd

"I ask myself if they ever felt sad when doing horrible things to the jewish people but I think they didn't felt anything at all." - Berenice

If the one thing they learn all year is compassion and empathy, I will be happy. I am very proud of these kids who are able to connect with the past and feel sorry for what was done. If they are the future, we are in good hands.

Waiting on the World to Change

We are still reading Night by Elie Wiesel. It's still about the holocaust. It's still horrific and sixteen year-olds still cannot grasp exactly what 6 million means. They cannot understand the cruelty. And I think that's a good thing.

Today I showed them the video of when Oprah interviewed Wiesel. The second time. The time where she went to Auschwitz with him and he attempts to put into words, how he felt. What he saw. What he cannot forget. What makes the video so moving is the amount of silence. There are just not words.

I didn't make the kids take notes. That's distracting and I don't want them to watch because it is a grade. I want them to pay attention because it's necessary. Because it's human. But I also think it's important to put into words how you feel about what you see (hence the blog) so I had them write anything they wanted after the movie was over. Here is what I got (I left their spelling and grammatical errors because it's real and true and lovely):

"I thought I was there with all the people and be separete from my parents and after that not seem them again. I think Elie had a lot of energy and power to go there and so he could watch all that happened and I think that no one has to have this kind of punishment even if there are persons you hate." - Maria

"If I was in that situation I would not no what to do but just cry and pray to god that I lived." - Iratean

"It's kind of hard to believe it happened but, I know it is real and did happen. It's not so easy to believe that children, women, and babies were killed at an amount so large. The hardest part is to know that people knew this was happening and they did not step in to stop it. This helps on appreciate their life and freedom that we have. This is why I don't like prejudice people" - Juan

"I could see on his face the horror, the pain, the things that they passed, because it was hard for him and I can't see people diying, I can't even see blood because it makes me sick and is going to be stuck in my head but for Elie, he is a strong guy and I can't believe he had the courage to go to the camp again." - Sheila

"Watching this video was really hard to watch, but my eyes were glued to the TV. Its so horrible to image that ever happen. How could their be such horrible people. Evil people. It makes me mad on how they could kill thousands of people in a matter of minutes, especially babies, I mean how could they do that!!" - Cynthia

"This whole idea of knowing the Holocaust truly happened, its hard for me to put this in my head. It was really horrifying to know 6 million Jews died, then not knowing they went to their death. If somebody said I can do 1 thing to change the world, I would return everyone back to life and Hitler would of never existed. If only this can be true....Everyone is happy!" - Edgar

"I hate this part of history. This should have never of happened." - Efrain

"The Jews didn't do anything to deserve that. It's really hard to take it all in. I wish I could visit Auschwitz so I could understand it more. Just understand how this could happen. Why?" - Liana

"Nobody no matter who or what they are should go through something like that." - Vanessa

"It brought me the most pain to see it." - Magan

"When you see the bodies, you get this weird feeling in your stomach." - Hannah

"I think that the part that made me react the most was the shoes. Like when he pointed out the red shoes and said - probably a dancer. Just the potential of all those lives, the characters, the personalities just taken away." - Marcy

"It gets me really mad. He will always have those sad pictures on his mind cause those kind of things - those could never be forgotten. - Michelle

The holocaust through the eyes of sophomores. The innocence. The outrage. The Hope.

Now and Then

Our second annual trip to Redlands was fabulous. I have purposely not written about it yet because I don't really know what to write. If I tried to describe what we did, the blog would be exactly one sentence long - and super repetitive. We went to breakfast, shopped, ate, talked, ate, laughed, ate, cried, ate, slept, ate, drove, ate, and then said goodbye. And there you have it. But if I were to omit all the eating we did (and boy, did we do a lot of eating) then you would understand how we have all been friends for fourteen years.

We talked. We laughed. We cried.

And I don't mean this in the cliche way that it sounds. I mean we literally cracked up, rolling on the floor and screaming (Liz's face at Meghan's reproduction questions) and lit-er-ally cried (this is top secret and would never be revealed to the public). How lucky are we to have a group of friends that trust each other this much? We talked about how we are such better friends now than we ever were as teenagers. High school has a way of allowing insecurities to eat at us that we still keep so much hidden. As adults ,we remember each other as kids and love each other even more.

When I went to bed on Sunday night, I sat up awhile and thought about each of the girls on the trip. Of how we have this way of fitting into the group - each of us - in our own unique place - that feels so important. Of Meghan, the sweetest most optimistic person I have ever met. How her naivete has always been so endearing and at times, so funny. How she does her best to be a teacher, a daughter, a wife - and how I know she will do the same as a mother. Of Liz, the rock of our group. Who seems to know everything about anything and how confident she is in her convictions. She will tell you what you need to know and make you work hard to be strong, like she is. Of Jessica, beautiful Jessica - who intimidated me in high school because of her grace and virtue - because of her beauty. Yet I really didn't know her at all. She allows herself to be so vulnerable and honest and it makes me wish I would have known her better, sooner. Of Sara, the most practical and well planned out person I have ever known. Who was my walking partner, locker partner, and lunch partner (in your car!) in high school and really made those four years bearable for me. She has the most realistic and dedicated approach to life that makes it seem possible. Of Jen, who is infinitely thoughtful and serving. Who always goes out of her way to make sure everyone is happy and comfortable. She has the-girl-next-door charm with a mix of Martha Stewart hospitality. Of Kim (we missed you this weekend) who brings energy and vitality to our otherwise fifty-year-old-at-heart group. She makes us laugh (and sometimes makes us smoke cigars) and makes us rethink some aspects of our lives (this is a G-rated blog).

The funny thing is - I don't really know which one I am - but that, I have realized, doesn't really matter. I have my place - and it's with my best friends. Christian, Mormon, Agnostic - we all believe in love and friendship. If the world could see through these titles, like we can, it would be a much more accepting place. And loving. And fun. And hopeful.

I love you all more than I can find words. My girls. BSC.

Love - Pass it on

Baby you and me got a cheesy kind of love

It is time that I admit the truth: I am addicted. No matter how hard I try, I cannot stop. I tell myself I'm not going to do it. It's no big deal. Today will be different. I don't need the high today. But I do.

The feeling I get from listening to the radio show "This American Life" is something that is hard to understand. It's a drug that changes my thinking. After a good fix I feel so relaxed and happy that the only thing I can think of is the next show. How can I download one I haven't heard? Is there a place I can buy the archives? What will I do when I catch up? It is sort of sick. I hear the name Ira and my heart melts. I hear his voice; it's all over.

And today's show hit me like a ton of bricks. The title: Valentine's Day.

I would not consider myself a romantic. In fact, anything that borders cheesy, I run from. It's probably the reason I rarely write about Dan. I don't like mushy. I like real. When I try to write about Dan, it sounds mushy so I erase it and find something that I can discuss that doesn't make people want to throw up. Me = not romantic. So honestly, when I saw the title "Valentine's Day" I skipped it. I'd rather listen to "The Audacity of Government," "Return to Childhood," or "Quiz Show." Give me pain, give me suffering but please spare me cheesy. I just can't take it.

But, like I said, I was desperate. I needed my fix and I was running low so I took what was left: Valentine's Day.

I don't know why I ever doubted my dear Ira Glass. He began the show citing an allusion to one of my all time favorite short stories -"What We Talk About When We Talk About Love." Wow. I was already impressed. He knows his literature and he has good taste (Starting to feel the warmth through my veins). And the first story starts off sad. The man telling the story explains that he had a fight with his wife (over pepper) and she ended up going to bed early and he sat up alone. While sitting on the couch, he came to the conclusion that he was going to leave her. The fighting was incessant. They didn't get along. They should both finally admit that it was better for both to end the marriage. And he walked into his wife's room to talk to her about his revelation and found her asleep. Instead of waking her, or walking out, he sat and watched her sleep and began to think back to when they met. It's a long story - but he ends up writing her a letter that night describing how all they had been through - good and bad - was worth it. He recounts specific moments of their marriage when they were truly happy. He marvels at how quickly the time has passed and how he doesn't quite understood when things fell apart. But, things fell apart.

What I love about the show is that it is real. This is how people live. At times they were very much in love - cheesy moments and all- and at other times they felt they hated each other. But he looked at her and thought if I never saw her again what would I want to say? He wanted to say it was worth it.

Something about this letter made so much in my life seem small. Small in a good way. I want to freeze the way I feel about Dan right now and wrap it up and keep it safe. I want to always feel the way I do in this moment. So, even though it goes against my instincts, I'm going to make a list of my ten best moments with Dan just this week. I want to capture the fact that I can easily list these off without digging deep and stretching.

1. Dan made me nachos at 10pm after we were already in bed because I asked nicely and really wanted them.
2. We went together to fight for equality and held hands while holding signs.
3. He ironed my shirt for me at 6am while he could have been sleeping.
4. Dan has completely taken over kitty litter duty because I gag and hate it.
5. He left work early to get my prescription and then drove to Vista during the week to have dinner with my family.
6. Dan set up a place for Jeff to stay in Tahoe which warms my heart because he loves my brothers so much.
7. I woke up this morning with a huge zit on my nose and static in my hair and he said I was beautiful anyway.
8. He is working extremely hard to buy us a house and is going with my mom to check one out while I am with my girlfriends for the weekend.
9. He sent me a message in the middle of the day while at work that said, "I love you so much I feel like I'm going to explode."
10. When I was in the shower this morning singing "The Luckiest" (our wedding song) he heard me and joined in the singing and then ran up and hugged and kissed me.

All wonderfully cheesy - and all very true.

I hope I never have to write a letter that explains why it's been worth it. I want Dan to always know, that I know, that the life we have together is exactly where I want to be. Thank you Ira, for reminding me of the little things in life that add up to mean the most. Thank you for the high.

Tributes and grassroots

Two steps forward one step back.

Last night, Dan and I volunteered to work with one of the largest grassroots efforts California has ever seen: The No on 8 Campaign. We met with the group for the first time last Sunday in Hillcrest where we were "trained" on how to help on election day. I must admit, it felt a little strange to walk in the building as a straight married couple holding hands. Was it okay that we were here? How odd to feel like outsiders. We waited for everyone to file in.

And as we waited, my mind began to wander. For a split second, when walking through that door, I thought - Maybe we shouldn't hold hands. Will this offend someone? Does it make people feel awkward that we are married and enjoying our lives together when they cannot?

What a horrible feeling to have to hide how much you love someone. How demeaning to pretend like what you share is not significant because others may be offended. And thus - you have the life of the people that surrounded us. Always offending, always hiding - for simply being who they are.

The meeting began and what I respected most about the campaign was how they were determined to stay away from negativity and how the only message they wanted us to spread was "Stop discrimination." I wish the world could have been there to see how simple the message really is.

So last night, we met up with a group of people and we did our best. We had a church group approach us yelling and threatening to call the police. We had one woman take a friend's jacket and throw it into the street. We had many middle fingers and hateful stares. I guess I didn't realize equality was so offensive.

At the end of the night, as we were waiting for the polls to close, a man leaned over to me and Dan and asked, "Are you guys married?"

We are.

"It's so amazing," he answered. "It's so amazing to see so many straight people here helping us. What motivates you? If you're married, why spend election night in the cold, holding signs and getting yelled at?"

I don't think I have ever been as proud of my husband than in this moment. "We care about rights," Dan said. "We are committed to fighting discrimination in any form because we don't want it coming to our door. We want to raise our kids in a world that is equal and fair." My heart soared. I cannot imagine loving anyone more than I love Dan.

The man thanked us. I wish it was possible to somehow describe what it feels like when someone thanks you with everything that he is. It was an emotional moment. I was biting my lip, trying not to cry. Then this man, probably noticing my eyes welling up with tears, saved me and said, "Well, if you ever need an interior decorater, you have a room full of friends." We all laughed.

A few moments later, Obama won the election. I knew I would remember this moment for the rest of my life so I looked around to take it all in. Here we were, me and my husband, sitting in the meeting room of a church in Carlsbad, surrounded by strangers and feeling so hopeful. We watched this tiny little TV, complete with bunny ears and static, and held hands and cried.

Maybe we lost this battle, but we will win the war. It is only a matter of time. And I have to admit, it makes me feel pretty confidant knowing that I am married to a man who is so full of compassion, dignity, and love. I am so grateful to be married to my best friend and we will fight on together so that everyone can share what we are so lucky to have.

Please

Vote NO on Prop 8. Please.

This is a vote for rights and for equality. It's the right thing to do. Please, please, please don't take away one group's rights.

America is not about discrimination. It's not about hate. Make us proud to be Californians. Please enter the polls with love in your heart and let LOVE rule.

Love rules.

NO ON PROP 8.